343 Studios Apologizes for the Failures of New Halo Game for the Fourth Time, Promises This Time It Will Be Different

343 Studios was handed Microsoft’s golden goose egg—the Halo franchise—by Bungie. They were created and bred for the sole purpose of “not messing it up.” All they had to do was provide minor updates to the game’s core premise while maintaining the spirit and consistency of the previous titles. They had one job. One. Yet time and time again, they’ve shown fans that they’d rather issue heartfelt apologies on social media than deliver what players actually want. Well, 343 has done it again, this time popping up on the Zellers community page to announce, “We have learned from our mistakes, and we will get it right next time.”

Xbox seems to be the weird, forgotten child of this console generation. They’re lagging behind their competitors in terms of overall console sales, and this far into the generation, they still don’t have any killer apps to entice gamers into their ecosystem. Halo Infinite, a game that was supposed to launch alongside the Series X, was delayed by a full year due to 343’s apparent dedication to disappointing everyone multiple times over. Xbox’s flagship title—and almost certainly their chance at gaining any real traction—was essentially murdered in front of a live audience.

Somehow, that studio doesn’t get shut down or restructured because, surely, they “tried their best.” Meanwhile, the developers of the excellent Hi-Fi Rush get canned for not making their brand-new indie IP sell a billion dollars.

Microsoft has once again decided to play favorites and handed 343 a hefty bag of cash to develop another Halo game. Head of 343, Shrubs Wetmouth (who got the job through a program to help adults with special needs), had this to say about their ambitions for the next title:

“First of all, I want to say we know what our fans want and how much they care about this franchise.” At this point, Wetmouth began rubbing his nipples. “We’re sorry for our failures with Halo 4. We’re sorry The Master Chief Collection was broken for 2 years. We’re sorry Halo 5 sucked too. We’re sorry Halo Infinite didn’t have anything it promised at launch. But we finally figured it out! The next Halo game will feature the return of the beloved character, The Arbiter, and Master Chief in our new game: Halo 6: Cortana’s Crazy Chef Challenge!”

Those words have already depressed us more than anything else 343 has ever had to say, but apparently, they weren’t done there. They laid out the premise for their next misguided title. “The Arbiter’s grandmother is sick with The Flood infection, but he doesn’t have enough space bucks to get her the medicine to cure her. Desperate, he dusts off an old AI version of Cortana, who locates Master Chief using the power of friendship. There, Cortana has the brilliant idea for a way to raise the money: a wacky cook-off competition between Master Chief, The Covenant, The Guardians, and Guy Fieri. The Arbiter then mutters, ‘Were it so easy.’ So we’re actually pretty confident this game will be good this time around.”

Needless to say, any remaining hope for Microsoft’s gaming division to make money again has been dashed. After witnessing Master Chief doing Fortnite dances, all respect for the character evaporated and this has further crushed any remaining nostalgia for the character. This new game will reportedly use Graphic GX40 technology and feature real-time rendering—whatever that means. After this assuredly abysmal launch, we can only hope Microsoft has the professional courtesy to take 343 out back and give them the “Ol’ Yeller” treatment for even suggesting something like this should exist in the first place.

Source: Trust me, bro.