Nintendo to End Online Services for Anyone Named Norbert

Nintendo is a company known for its stupid a** decisions. They're perfectly fine releasing Mario’s 645th game, while obscure characters like Redneck Kong (yes, that’s a real character, by the way) are left to fade into obscurity. Just look at their controllers for example. Every time a new console is released, it’s like they decide they need to completely reinvent the wheel—sometimes adding/removing a handle randomly or relocating the “X” button like it's a game of musical chairs. But now, Nintendo is adding another wild decision to their ever-growing list: they’ve announced that they will end online services for anyone named Norbert.

Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo of America, who clearly got this job through perceived nepotism is leading this charge. Apparently, "Ol' Duggy" came home late one night after a long day of discussing how to delay the Switch 2 even further, only to find his wife in bed with another man. That man’s name? Norbert.

Now, it’s unclear why Bowser’s wife would choose to sleep with a man named Norbert in the first place, but we suspect it has something to do with the fact that, unlike Bowser, this man was 100% not bald. There are just some things that money and power can’t fix, and unfortunately for Bowser, male pattern baldness seems to be one of them.

Unable to take legal action against the man, Bowser has decided to take matters into his own hands—and, in true weird Nintendo fashion, his revenge comes in the form of ending online services for anyone named Norbert. This bold move is expected to cost Nintendo around $42 million to implement. Why? Because, as it turns out, most of their online infrastructure is apparently stored on a cereal box CD copy of RollerCoaster Tycoon. 

A quick Google search reveals that there are only 17 people in the United States brave enough to name their child Norbert in the first place. So, if your name isn’t Norbert, you’re probably safe—unless, of course, you’re feeling particularly adventurous with your baby names.

Source: Trust me, bro.