Silent Hill 2 Remake: The Remaster Announced with “Vagina Legs” DLC

The Silent Hill 2 Remake dropped this year and left us all feeling... whelmed. Its uncanny ability to perfectly capture the essence of Sarah, Plain and Tall on each character's face was nothing short of extraordinary. It's no wonder it received so many pity nominations at this year's Game Awards. Developer Bloober Team (a name that evokes images of failed cereal mascots) has announced that in 2025, we'll be graced with Silent Hill 2 Remake: The Remaster. Not only will the game that won the award for shortest draw distance get a remaster, but they’ll also be adding some spicy “vagina legs” DLC for all the “weirdos with surprisingly well-paying jobs.”

Some of you might be asking: Why is this game being remastered when it just got remade? Is a remaster different from a remake? Is it normal for it to burn when you pee? All these questions and more will be answered by the game’s director, Mateusz Renart. But, basically they boil down to Money, Yes—if you like money, and yes, but only if your wife is a cheating whore.

“Gamers crave reasons to buy things,” Renart explained. “If you tell them your new product is more graphics, higher gameplay, or more vagina, they’ll throw money at the screen like cartoon characters. Remember the old days when companies were throwing around the term ‘bits’ like confetti? A good game isn’t good unless you can market it to idiots with no impulse control. And you can quote me on that, muchacho.”

While Renart's honesty was refreshing, we unfortunately couldn't find a single flaw in his logic. We pressed him for clarification on what exactly he meant by “vagina legs,” and his response was enlightening. “Oh yeah, this is something we’re really excited to show our shareholders after everyone throws us their money at us. There are new 14-year-olds every day afterall who will do anything to see anything that even remotely resembles a vagina! Those mannequin leg enemies in our game had the problem of being slightly clothed. So, we took care of that by adding full renders of Arby’s sandwiches to simulate accurate beef curtains for all our players to enjoy.”

Renart wrapped up his comments by noting, “We’ve never seen so many artists and developers quit at the same time than when we had them apply those Arby’s sandwich renders as precisely as possible to the character models. That’s when we brought in AI to replace actual devs. Thank God, there’s no way that technology will ever affect me negatively, am I right?”

Silent Hill 2 Remake: The Remaster is set to pave the way for the next two planned games in the series: Silent Hill 2 Remake: The Remaster: The Remake and Silent Hill 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Source: Trust me, bro.